What I Did Last Thursday Evening, by LaurenKaz

So one of the feral cat colonies we're caring for (managing is obviously the wrong term) has spun out of control. We should've guessed something was up when Snowflake and Cleo got preggers. More recently, Himself spotted more kittens so then we knew Callie had been busy...although she never looked fat. Adding to the mix, some new male cats moved into the area so the colony was mushrooming. And MUSHROOMING.

 

On the ill-fated aforementioned Thursday, I was wondering where the heck Himself was—he was supposed to drop his dad off to the car dealer and then head home. Suddenly I got a phone call and a panicked voice yelled, "I GOT ONE OF THE FERAL KITTENS!!!" This was a complete surprise to moi-self as all of the cages and carriers were still in the warehouse. He said, "WELL IT WAS STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO MY FOOT AS I WAS FEEDING EVERYONE...SO I JUST GRABBED IT!!!!" Needless to say, the kitten wasn't very pleased. As far as First Contact protocol goes, this was an Epic FAIL.

 

[Wow, we had no idea Himself's fingers could get that fat. I'm waiting for Cat Scratch Fever to set in.]

 

Catching a Feral Kitten with one's bare hands = Mistake #1

 

Lacking the aforementioned traps and carriers, he decided to stuff her (muted tortie so we know its a female) into a Whole Foods cloth bag and knot the handles in lieu of cramming her into one of the large plastic bins with a lid.

 

Stuffing a Feral Kitten into a shopping bag and expecting it to sit quietly for the first car ride of its life = Mistake #2

 

He was then driving like h-e-double toothpicks when he spotted the tiny head poking out of the WF bag. He at least didn't crash the van at that moment. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT—I TIED THE HANDLES REALLY TIGHT!!!!" After they arrived home, Himself (further) spooked the kitten by trying to get her into a carrier whilst in the van. I said, "Don't let her run up front—she'll go under the dashboard!" Himself replied (with an eyeroll), "WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO UNDER THE DASHBOARD!!!" Lo and behold and verily I say, the kitten vanished from sight...just like magic. After crawling around and removing as many seats as possible, Himself finally conceded that she was in the dashboard. This was Not A Good Thing.

 

Allowing a Feral Kitten to go into the dashboard, not thinking there are a zillion kitten-size nooks inside = Mistake #3.

 

After sitting almost motionless in the van for a couple of hours, I finally did hear the kitten working her way up and around the dashboard. Himself was recovering from the trauma by sipping martoonis as darkness fell and my left leg went to sleep.

 

[Completely OT: have you ever wondered how you would do if someone, say, was stalking you and you had to hole up in some dark place and not move a muscle? For hours? I determined that I would FAIL at this exercise and therefore better off running like h-e-double toothpicks. A leg cramp doth not go away of its own accord.]

 

Finally, I set up a humane trap IN the van and we went away to watch some "Stargate: Atlantis" eps (hey, its on Netflix's Watch Instantly). Came back to the van and SUCCESS! I had pictured having to pry open up the dashboard in order to get her so this was the optimal result. Here she is in our spa/suite:

 

[Looks kinda like a Martian or a gremlin, doesn't she?]

 

Last night, we showed up at the colony with traps and carriers in tow. After quickly trapping two kittens, Himself turned to me and said, "Well that went a whole lot more smoothly than last night." YA THINK, EINSTEIN??!?

 

The kittens are pretty feral but figured out how to use the potty box after only one accident. Not bad. Here's the Motley Crew:

 

 

 

Only 3 more kittens + 7 adults to go after this. Never a dull, as they say. And can I also add that one might have an EE/CS double major from UC Berkeley but that doesn't even remotely equal one iota of common sense.

 

Seriously.